Stuck

Okay, so I haven't posted anything lately but it's because I'm hiding out. Not in my real life, just in my blog life. The reason being that I've done absolutely nothing lately to try and lose weight. Nothing.  I haven't binged or gone crazy, I just haven't put any effort into anything. I felt guilty. Sorry.

This is turning out to be waayyy harder than I thought.  I've actually lost weight before, I was down to 188 lbs about 4 years ago, but that was due to a combination of anemia, night shifts and one meal a day.  Not a scenario I'm looking to repeat.

Until recent months, I was holding steady at 224 but started to climb which is why I started this blog.  But I can't get motivated.  It's like I'm subconciously stubborn and am trying to keep myself this way. Why would I do that?  Am I scared to actually be thinner? Is it because I only know myself as overweight? That's probably part of it.  I've never been thin so I have no idea what I'm going to look like, if it'll change my personality, if people will treat me differently.  I guess I fear the unknown.

Anyway, I've been feeling a lot of frustration, a lot of disappointment and a lot of hope all in a short span of time.  I'm feeling a bit worn down from it.  I know I sound gloomy, but it is what it is. Hopefully I haven't depressed everyone.  I'll feel better, promise.

I hope everyone else is doing great and I'll post again soon!

Slow and Steady...

I'm back! And I'm holding at 232.  I'm okay with this because for the last week or so I've been eating "normal", which means not too much junk but not watching what I eat too closely. So the fact that I haven't gained is relieving.  I had a great time with my sister and her family and now that I'm back I can jump into my routine again.

I've been writing in my food journal, and yes I'm including the good, the bad and the ugly because I want to be accountable for what I'm doing rather than looking the other way.  It's quite obvious to me what my weaknesses are: chocolate things, salty things and starchy/cheesy things.  Combine my years of habitually eating those types of foods with no exercise and duh...no wonder I'm in this predicament.  As I've always said there's noone to blame but me.  And maybe that's the hardest part-knowing that not only do I do this to myself but I'm the only one who can stop it.  I may as well be standing in a corner, repeatedly hitting myself with a stick.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound bitter, I'm just getting frustrated with myself.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things.  I can see my path but am not quite able to run down it...yet.

I miss my sunshine...

Well, I'm finally back to 232 again!  I've noticed that I don't have as much energy when I work out lately and even though I know part of the reason is being crazy busy at work, I think I'm just tired of being inside.  The weather has been sort of cold and rainy with snow in between (still!) but the sun is shining today and I just want to get out there. 

In the past, I haven't really done outdoor activities for one reason or another but right now I'm craving the sun, the wind, birds in the trees, the smell of freshly mown grass, all of it.  We have a greenbelt in our neighbourhood where they've actually put in permanent, basic exercise equipment along the trail.  They have curl-up benches, elliptical apparatus, etc.  I think it's perfect because as you jog, run, walk, bike along the paved path there are all these spots to stop and work out. 

I'm also excited because tomorrow after work I'm driving out to my sister's farm for a few days.  Weather permitting we'll be outside a lot.  She has a ton of animals, a five year old son, a 1 1/2 year old daughter and is 9 months pregnant so it'll be very interesting!!! Can't wait.

Hope all is well and will post again soon!